Our calendar has chosen to concatenate its horrors by putting Friday the 13^th and Valentine's on consecutive days. But I will not be intimidated; I shall return serve with a little heat.

Horror #1 solemnizes Maria's love for her sugardaddy god.

I purchased a beautiful 2-toned burgundy/gold pickup truck back in December. When I first saw it on the lot, I never dreamed it would be mine-but God has a way of spoiling me! The day before Valentine's Day, I was driving home from work and suddenly heard a loud CRACK. I knew that I'd taken my first rock and would probably have a horrible scratch on my vehicle. When I looked for the damage I found it on the windshield, just left and well below my field of vision. When I studied the hit, I realized it was in a heart-shaped design. What others may see as a fault is now an awesome sign to me-a reminder of my Savior's love. As I drive, I not only thank God for this wonderful truck, I thank him for this symbol he's etched in the glass just for me!

Horror #2 is the honky-tonk Blessed Hope of an influential fundamentalist church musician. It falls, unsurprisingly, a tad short of the ardent anticipations found in The Celestial Country, but it's a hit with east coast worshipers.

Horror #3 comes from Oaf & Twinky, two renowned American ecclesiolologistics experts known more commonly by their stage names, Doug Pagitt and Tony Jones. This is a bit of imbecile improv in the shape of some post-platonic flossfy. As they astutely perceive, "all sorts of crazy stuff happens".

So there you have it, saintly reader: faith, hope and love in reverse order. Christianity American Style.

Happy Holidays.